Computers
A computer is a device that does abstract things in a cryptic way to produce intangible results. The resulting confusion naturally makes them very useful for wasting time. A wily employee only has to sit at a computer to give the impression of being hard at work, when in reality they are just gawping at spoof encyclopedia articles on the web.
History of Computing
The discipline of computer science has no time for 'natural' language. If it can't be simulated with a Markov chain or a recursive grammar, it ain't worth doing. The history of computing is therefore properly summarised using a simple flowchart. The arrows show the movement of computer users (or 'suckers', as they are known in the industry) from one type of computer to another as technology improves.
Nowadays this progression is more likely to be described using pseudocode. This technique lets the computer scientist see the logical flow of the history without the tedious task of drawing all the wibbly boxes. Here, for example, is the pseudohistory of computing:
WHILE everyone is locked into the upgrade cycle
EXTRACT money FROM everyone
REPEAT
Modern Computers
It is a truism that the people of the past were stupid, but never has it been more obvious than in their predictions of what the modern computer would be like. Take IBM's Thomas Watson. A friend of a friend told me that in 1943 Watson claimed there was "a world market for maybe five computers".
Naturally these words are highly amusing to the many millions of us who spend all day bellowing commands into our oscillotrons, but the modern computer is something that took almost everyone by surprise. Who could have predicted that they would be no larger than a small dog? Who would have stood up, hand on heart, and declared that the modern computer would be made entirely out of cherry stones? And who would have bet the family silver that they would be powered by furiously pedalling ghosts?
Of course, the most stunning progress has been made in the fields of artificial intelligence and robotics. Who, fifty years ago, would have imagined that intelligent robots would now be walking among us, picking up our rubbish, even psychoanalysing us? Actually, come to think of it, pretty much everyone did, but that doesn't make it any less of an achievement. Indeed, the quest has perhaps been all too successful, as conversations like this one take place up and down the country:
Joseph X. Everyman: Computer, would you be so kind as to make me a cup of tea?
Computer: Make your own goddamned tea, I'm watching Neighbours.
But the problem that weighs most heavily on the mind of the average computer user is choosing the right time to buy a new one. On Monday you purchase the latest WhizzBang 3000 with a processor that breaks the laws of relativity and a hard disk the size of the moon, only to find that on Tuesday the WhizzBang 3010 X-TREME is launched with twice the power for half the price, all in a stylish silver case. This is an example of the famous and inviolable Dell's Law:
The average computer's processing power doubles in the week after you have bought a computer.
Computer Enthusiasts
The fossilised remains of a computer enthusiast found under Silicon Valley. By analysing the amount of memory in the computer, the bones have been estimated to be over 25 years old.
The common or greater spotted computer enthusiast (Homo geeki) can normally be found in abundance around any source of electromagnetic radiation. They are seldom seen outside their natural habitat, and our only real knowledge of the species comes from a set of vicious stereotypes.
According to the vicious stereotypers, the average computer enthusiast will pursue their hobby to the exclusion of eating, sleeping, and in extreme cases breathing. They are fiercely solitary creatures, and do not appear to engage in any mating rituals, although a few like to dress up as goblins and cavort in the woods.
They have a very specific diet, consisting only of chinese takeaways and caffeine. Their sedentary lifestyle leaves them pale and unhealthy, and they have all the dress sense of a grizzly bear at a jumble sale.
When social interaction is unavoidable, they will treat it as an opportunity to prove how smart they are, with the aim of becoming the alpha nerd of the tribe. They are so pedantic that 25% of all computer enthusiast deaths are caused by a blow to the head from their own dictionary. (The other 75% are caused by pressing big red buttons, "just to see what they do".)
Like all stereotypes, this portrait is hugely unfair and largely true. But despite all their flaws, you have a lot to thank them for. If it wasn't for their like-minded ancestors, you'd be living in a cave right now, wondering whether tomorrow would be a good day for berries.
Future Trends
Most IT analysts would agree that there are only two important trends in the computer industry:
- How fast your computer goes
- How good your games are
What they don't realise, however, is that both of these remain constant. Take the first trend, for instance. It is well-known that
Hardware Speed + Software Speed = Computer Speed
The following graph plots these speeds against time:
The total computer speed remains constant because software slows down at exactly the same rate that hardware speeds up. Of course, there is no evidence at all of a diabolical conspiracy between the hardware companies and the software companies, but what other explanation fits the facts?
The second trend follows the same pattern. Here's the misleadingly simple equation:
Playability + Game Environment = Game Quality
And here's the graph that's slightly too small to read comfortably:
The decline in inspiration for games since the days of Space Invaders equals the rise in quality of the gaming environment, thus maintaining constant quality.