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Chemistry

Chemistry is one of the three major branches of science (the other two being brain surgery and rocket science). It is widely considered the most interesting of the three because it involves both explosions and smelly things. Underlying these phenomena is the fundamental concept of stuff.

Stuff and its Constituents

It has been known since prehistoric times that almost everything in the world is made out of stuff. However, in those days people were too busy fighting mammoths to care what stuff itself is made of.

It was not until the time of the Greeks that people became prosperous enough to sit in cafés all day discussing ludicrous theories. One such theory stated that all stuff is made from combinations of just four elements: earth, water, air, and fire.

If this idea seems like the result of one too many espressos to you, do not despair. Just remember that the Greeks were much cleverer than you and their wisdom should never be questioned.

Nevertheless, a number of other elements have since been discovered, including cheese, opera, purple, justice, and Uruguay. The total number now stands at 23 (a 24th element, dubbed "umpteenium", has been claimed, but its existence is disputed).

Of course, no human being could possibly be capable of remembering the names of so many elements, and most of them are quietly ignored.

Alchemy

In the Middle Ages the study of stuff flourished like never before. The discipline became known as alchemy, from the Arabic word meaning "the study of stuff, which flourishes like never before".

The alchemists had two chief goals. The philosopher's stone would be able to turn base metals into gold, while the elixir of life would promise eternal youth. Yet despite successfully synthesising both (in 1507 and 1532 respectively), the alchemists continued to suffer from a lack of credibility. This is because they had neither white coats nor journals to back them up.

A rebranding exercise was clearly necessary, and in the spirit of alchemy a reaction was devised to carry it out. We will discuss reactions in more detail below, so for now just admire the elegance of the mechanism:

Thus began the long and noble tradition of turning buzzwords into cash. Incidentally, the by-product of this reaction is Al, or aluminium (an alloy of earth and purple). Over 95% of the world's aluminium is still produced in this way.

Atoms and Molecules

Despite the great strides made by the Greeks and the Middle Agians, one important question remained unresolved: could you keep chopping stuff up into smaller and smaller bits until you got bored, or would you eventually end up with something that could be chopped no more - the so-called stufflet.

Only a nobleman had the free time to answer such inconsequential questions, everyone else being too busy trying to make pots of gold so they could buy themselves a peerage. It was left to James Atom (1676-1723), who became the first to demonstrate the existence of the stufflet when, at a royal banquet, he attempted to divide a spring roll between 2,500 people after the king's takeaway order had been catastrophically misinterpreted.

Sadly, Atom's financial skills were no match for his scientific achievements. He lost the entire family fortune when the South Sea Bubble burst and died in penury somewhere in the colonies.

Atom's work was given the traditional honour of being immediately forgotten, and it remained that way until the French chemist Jean-Baptiste Moleculé (1762-1794) rediscovered and updated it. Moleculé was the first to realise that every type of atom (as he called them) had its own colour. Furthermore, these atoms could be joined together with straws to make little dogs.

Sadly, Moleculé also met a sorry end. He had the misfortune of being appointed Royal Bootlicker to Louis XVI, just two weeks before the revolution.

Chemical Reactions

When two molecules feel an affinity for each other, a chemical reaction may take place. This is how a typical reaction proceeds:

	1. The molecules meet in a trendy test tube. To create the right atmosphere the reaction is usually carried out at night by a graduate student (a kind of nocturnal troll).
	2. The first molecule, who we shall call Ethan, props up the bar. (The molecule names have been changed to protect their identities). To speed up the reaction the graduate student must stump up for plenty of beer. The beer is said to catalyse the reaction. Often graduate students are forced to spend most of their salary on supplies of catalyst.
	3. With his inhibitions suppressed by the catalyst, Ethan decides to strut his funky stuff on the dance floor. There he spots Norma, and a cupid's arrow flies between them. The molecules are now said to have chemistry.
	4. A bond is formed between Ethan and Norma. The reaction is now complete. If Ethan plays his cards right, conjugation may occur. However, this can result in unwanted by-products.

Fun Experiments You Can Try at Home!

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THESE FUN EXPERIMENTS AT HOME.

• Fizzy drinks aren't just delicious thirst quenchers - they are also used every day by professional chemists to clean out their glassware. Just add a pinch of baking powder and a quart of nail polish remover and you've got your very own miracle cleaner. Why not hawk it door-to-door? (Caution: may kill frogs.)
• Stir-in tomato-based sauces aren't just for mealtimes - they also make excellent paints. Isn't it about time you finished off the walls in the extension? Just add a gallon of white emulsion and you too can deck your bedroom out in the subtle tones of Rogan Josh. (Caution: may irreversibly alter your DNA.)
• Hair wax is much more than a wax for waxing hair - it can also be a cheap and effective explosive. Simply add 500 grams of Semtex and watch your friends run for their lives! (Caution: may wipe out all life in the vicinity.)