Escape from Fort Doom

A Choose Your Own Adventure Game

1.

It was a bright, warm day, which made a change from the dark and stormy nights we'd been getting recently. Having successfully completed the Quest for the Golden Sword of Hanvaro the Great, it was high time for another adventure to come. Suddenly, Sir Miltonkeynes, the most evil knight in the world, jumps out from behind a fibreglass hippopotamus. Do you:

  • Attack him with the Golden Sword of Hanvaro the Great? (Go to 23)
  • Summon the supernatural powers of El-Thwaminee? (Go to 47)
  • Run away, like the coward you always knew you were? (Go to 93)

2.

The space station looms above you, partially cutting out the light from the sun. Your craft appears to have sustained damage, and you only have partial control of its flight. You look again at the Cake of Destiny sitting on the passenger seat, and hesitate. Do you:

  • Eat the cake? (Go to 31)
  • Plan one last desperate attack run on the space station? (Go to 88)

3.

You live out the rest of your days in the cave, and forget all about your previous adventurous life. Your adventure is over, but you have gained a deeper understanding of your place in the universe.

  • No, I didn't think you'd care either. (Go to 1)

4.

And now the traffic news. There appears to be a major hold up on the M1 junction 34 northbound today as a lorry carrying potholes spilled its cargo across three lanes. Do you:

5.

Your marvellously clever construction gets you out of the cell, and as an added bonus directs you out of the building without meeting any other guards.

The obvious way out of the fort is to get to the helicopter, but it is surrounded by a great number of guards. You decide that you must climb the bell tower to get a bird's eye view of the calamity of your situation. Do you:

  • Climb up the North side of the tower? (Go to 58)
  • Climb up the East side of the tower? (Go to 91)
  • Climb up the South side of the tower? (Go to 62)
  • Climb up the West side of the tower? (Go to 40)

6.

Sir Miltonkeynes's words come slowly and with great effort.

'Rem- ember ... y-you ... also ... need to ... vanquish ... Gener-'

7.

He interprets your average-sized donation as a calculated insult, designed to imply that you secretly don't care at all. He challenges you to a duel, which you lose by default after oversleeping. Your adventure is over.

  • Pledge wisely next time. (Go to 1)

8.

'That is an incorrect answer,' says the guard. 'The correct answer is 11, to form a team for a charity football match to raise money for a new lightbulb, which the referee will kindly change for us. Without such basic knowledge you cannot possibly be an expendable guard. I will have to escort you to the cells.'

9.

After getting very drunk you accidentally find yourself back at the start of the adventure.

10.

'Evribodi iz ot on manuvers,' says General Flugelhorn. Do you:

  • Warn him about a possible sneak attack by the forces of Sir Miltonkeynes? (Go to 82)
  • Join the manoeuvres with a view to raising an army against Sir Miltonkeynes? (Go to 357128)
  • Sense that you no longer belong here, and leave for the mountains to pursue a simple life of prayer? (Go to 64)

11.

The raid on the bank is almost a success, but the getaway car gets away before you have a chance to jump in. Do you:

12.

A quick reconnaissance mission shows that it is indeed Sir Miltonkeynes. Unfortunately, your craft runs out of fuel before you can begin your attack run. Do you:

  • Attempt a James Bond-style jump onto the flying cattle? (Go to 90)
  • Eject, like any sensible person would do? (Go to 33)

13.

'An ekselent chois,' says General Flugelhorn. 'Now if yu wil plez mak yur way down to ze cels, diner vil be served at 6pm.'

The robot army looks keen to intervene should you try to cancel.

14.

'No, honestly, this will kill you, I'm not kidding.'

  • 'I grow yet more interested.' (Go to 70)
  • 'Perhaps I ought to take your warnings seriously now.' (Go to 46)

15.

As ever, the courtyard brings back memories from your childhood of long summers spent butchering heathens. But something seems wrong today. The normal bustling crowds are absent, and the walls echo to the sound of your footsteps.

You wander over to the Great Baronial Hall. The familiar old brass plaque marked 'Fort Completely Invincible' has been replaced with an unfamiliar new brass plaque marked 'Fort Doom'. Something is definitely wrong. Do you:

  • Ring the doorbell? (Go to 32)
  • Make inquiries at the Severed Head of the Enemy Inn? (Go to 72)

16.

You finally reach the top of the bell tower, where you are immediately re-arrested by Flugelhorn's men. Bad show!

17.

You take the high road, and I take the low road. Do you:

18.

'I extend you my sorrow about the whole trapdoor thing there, your majesty,' says the barkeeper. 'We cannot safely open the portal of entrance to just anyone nowadays. Do be a patient gentlefellow while I procure your beverage.'

You take a look around as your drink is served. At first glance the barkeeper and all the drinkers appear to be robots, but on closer inspection they are just men in robot suits. The barkeeper inhales a large breath in preparation for his next sentence, giving you a precious opportunity to interrupt. Do you:

  • Ask him why there is nobody outside? (Go to 41)
  • Ask him why he is wearing a robot suit? (Go to 89)

19.

A few hours later, you are roused by the sound of earthworks. Someone is tunnelling through the floor of the cell!

The figure that emerges from the tunnel is none other than Mirth, your loveable weasel sidekick. You make a mental note to let him forego the amusing pratfalls for a week.

20.

'Mi humbl apologes, ze wodpijon iz of. Vud yu car to choz agen?'

21.

You continue the very very very very very slow climb up the wall. Five passing surface-to-air missiles, four passing elephants, three passing vultures, a couple of passing blackbirds and a passing sparrow eye you suspiciously.

22.

You know you put your car keys down here somewhere, so where have they gone? Do you:

  • Turn over the cushions again? (Go to 53)
  • Look underneath the fish again? (Go to 2)

23.

Unfortunately, Sir Miltonkeynes had remembered to wear his sword-proof body armour. Do you:

  • Engage in the powerful hand-to-hand combat skills taught to you by the leader of the Prentasphalt clan? (Go to 52)
  • Summon the supernatural powers of El-Thwaminee? (Go to 47)
  • Get the hell out of there? (Go to 93)

24.

Your last desperate attack is successful. Sir Miltonkeynes lies vanquished in the wreckage of his helicopter. As he breathes his last, he looks like he wants to tell you something. You draw closer...

25.

'That is an incorrect answer,' says the guard. 'The correct answer is 1, to call out a trained lightbulb maintenance technician. Without such basic knowledge you cannot possibly be an expendable guard. I will have to escort you to the cells.'

26.

'Are you convinced of that answer?' he replies. 'You have the quality known as poshness which a peasant would hardly have access towards. Got any ID?'

You present your fake peasant ID.

'Oh, right you are then, your majesty,' he says. One of these days you ought to get a fake name put on your ID. 'Hold on a second.'

He closes the slot.

A moment later, a trapdoor opens beneath you and you fall through.

27.

You continue the incredibly slow climb up the wall, stopping only to take a few pictures of the view below and the celebrity golf tournament taking place above. It is several minutes later before you wonder how you stayed attached to the side of the tower all that time.

28.

He interprets your generous donation as an unforgivable insult to all the people who donated less, like you consider yourself superior to them or something. He challenges you to a duel on their behalf, which you lose by running away to France. Your adventure is over.

  • Pledge wisely next time. (Go to 1)

29.

The definition of 'remex' is a primary or secondary feather in a bird's wing. Do you:

  • Look up the definition of 'mezereon'? (Go to 97)
  • Look up the definition of 'decastyle'? (Go to 86)

30.

You leave the guard unconscious on the cell floor and run out into the corridor dressed in his uniform. You have no idea how to get out, and there don't appear to be any emergency exit signs anywhere. If only you had remembered to sign those new building regulations into law...

31.

ASDsad sadsa OPASIDE Jhdnsajk SP OIJKW aSnjksns. ASLKsdsad poaisdjpo wnqwjnqp ss ajsdopjwq njnsk q. Paoskw nwjnkj saoqj ssdj. Las qwdmw wqpwojgrihefd ewjfd ewfj sn s. Do you:

32.

You press the buzzer, which seems to be wired up to the bell tower. Your presence is heard throughout the kingdom. Eventually the door is opened by what looks like a robot, though on closer inspection it is just a man in a robot suit. He welcomes you and declares that his master has been expecting you. He asks you to follow him inside. Do you:

  • Follow him inside? (Go to 67)
  • Demand to know why he is wearing a robot suit? (Go to 89)

33.

You safely parachute back down to the clearing, where Mirth is waiting with a BullFighter™ missile hoisted over his shoulder. One hit takes down the lead cow, and Sir Miltonkeynes comes tumbling down to the ground in front of you.

You start to worry that Mirth will get ideas above his station. You carefully place a banana skin behind him to put your mind at rest.

34.

You continue the very very slow climb up the wall. A couple of passing blackbirds and a passing sparrow eye you suspiciously.

35.

It's Don't Dress Like a Robot if You Don't Want To Day at the fort. It's all in aid of a charity that cares for whales who are allergic to plankton. He would like to know whether you will pledge him a donation. Apparently just fiv grots vil buy a yer's supli ov plankton-fre sponj cak mikschur for a wal ov yur chois. Do you:

36.

The walls are closing in, the water is rising, and the ceiling is dripping with blood. Do you:

37.

Unaccountably, pulling out the plug seems to have made all the sharp things move twice as fast. Do you:

  • Execute a series of beautifully choreographed acrobatics, only twice as fast as originally planned? (Go to 98)
  • Try in vain to find a less clichéd corridor? (Go to 84)

38.

'Mi humbl apologes, ze melon iz of. And ze parma ham. Vud yu car to choz agen?'

39.

What is the capital of the Dominican Republic?

40.

A hackneyed choice. All the tourists go up the West side of the tower, so it's quite eroded, and there's litter everywhere, and you will probably be overtaken by over-enthusiastic five year olds. Nevertheless, you begin your climb.

41.

He is about to give his answer when a loud noise comes from upstairs.

'Zis eez a rad!' someone shouts. You recognise the voice as your old friend, General Flugelhorn, commander of the fort. Flugelhorn comes running down the steps, followed by a cohort of robot-men.

'I vont a flagon ov yur finest al, barkep,' he says,' and ... oh, it eez yu, mi lej!'

You wave nonchalantly. Do you:

  • Demand to know why he is raiding the inn? (Go to 74)
  • Demand to know why he isn't wearing a robot suit? (Go to 35)
  • Demand to get very drunk? (Go to 9)

42.

You wake up. The room is spinning very gently round your head. Or at least it would be if you could see it which you can't. Do you:

  • Do all sorts of wacky things? (Go to 1)

43.

You continue the very very very very very very very very slow climb up the wall. The aliens decide to eat the vultures.

44.

'We are not in the state known as openness,' he replies, and closes the slot.

A moment later, a second slot opens at a door a little way further down.

'Who might you be anyway?' he continues.

45.

There is no 45.

46.

You finally meet again for round two of your epic confrontation with Sir Miltonkeynes. Do you:

  • Demand that he choose his weapon? (Go to 61)
  • Demand to know whether, underneath his armour, he is or is not wearing a robot suit? (Go to 83)
  • Ask him politely why he is so evil? (Go to 95)

47.

Unfortunately, El-Thwaminee has a lot on at the moment and can't fit you in until next Tuesday. Do you:

  • Engage in the powerful hand-to-hand combat skills taught to you by the leader of the Prentasphalt clan? (Go to 52)
  • Give orders for a tactical retreat? (Go to 93)

48.

This corridor is more memorable, thanks to the giant swinging blades, periodic jets of flames, grinding cogwheels and a very sharp looking fan at the end. Do you:

  • Execute a series of beautifully choreographed acrobatics? (Go to 98)
  • Pull out the plug that everything is wired up to? (Go to 37)

49.

He interprets your miserly donation as a grave insult. He challenges you to a duel, which you lose on points. Your adventure is over.

  • Pledge wisely next time. (Go to 1)

50.

You work through a long chain of highly improbable events that results in the vanquishing of General Flugelhorn. Good work.

51.

You're right, the stomach ulcer was beginning to play up. Unfortunately, there is still the problem of the flying livestock to deal with. You jump into your X-wing and prepare to engage the evil knight in combat.

52.

The Prentasphalt clan have taught you wisely and well. You defeat Sir Miltonkeynes with one skilfully aimed hand chop. However, seconds later you realise that for all this time you have been standing on a major faultline between two tectonic plates. The ground opens up underneath you...

53.

It's got nothing to do with your vorsprung durch technik you know. And it's not about you joggers, who go round and round. Do you:

  • Get up when you want except on Wednesday? (Go to 4)
  • Feed the pigeons and sometimes feed the pigeons too? (Go to 73)

54.

'I vud be delited to velcom yu to a Grand Baronial Shindig,' says General Flugelhorn. 'Vot vud yu lik for a starter?'.

Do you:

  • Order the braised terrine of woodpigeon? (Go to 20)
  • Order the dressed unicorn salad? (Go to 96)
  • Order the melon and parma ham? (Go to 38)
  • Order the thin, unnappealing gruel? (Go to 13)

55.

Se pican la cebolla y los pimientos. Se quita la piel de los tomates. Se caliente el aceite en una olla, se frie primero la cebolla y el pimiento. Do you:

56.

'I would not seek to ask of me your questions, if I were the occupier of your footwear,' he replies, verbosely. 'Take my heed and leave this accursed place.'

He closes the slot. Do you:

  • Leave this accursed place? (Go to 85)
  • Try the Grand Baronial Hall instead? (Go to 32)

57.

'Are you sure?' says Sir Miltonkeynes. 'You will die of boredom, quite literally.'

  • 'No, I'm genuinely intrigued.' (Go to 14)
  • 'Hmm, I don't think I do want to die of boredom actually.' (Go to 46)

58.

An inspired choice. The North side of the tower has plenty of handholds and is painted a lovely shade of silver. You begin your climb.

59.

You get up, have a shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, have breakfast, put your coat, and leave the house. Do you:

60.

You are locked in a cell in the basement of the Grand Baronial Hall. A stupid-looking guard is patrolling outside. The key to the cell appears to be dangling from the mouth of a high-spirited yorkshire terrier by his side. Next to the dog, there is a roll of sticky-backed plastic, an empty washing up liquid bottle, a stick of dynamite, and a wig. Do you:

  • Outwit the guard? (Go to 30)
  • Coax the key from the dog's mouth? (Go to 69)
  • Construct something clever out of the other stuff? (Go to 5)
  • Just wait where you are and hope that help will arrive? (Go to 19)

61.

Sir Miltonkeynes selects helicopters at twenty paces. You nip back to the fort to get yours, then prepare for combat.

The first clash results in some superficial damage to the paintwork, but you both recover. The second takes off one of your rotor blades, and you begin to lose control. Fortunately, Mirth manages to patch it up while it's still turning. You begin to actively resent Mirth.

Still, this is no time for making sidekicks redundant. Everything rides on your next move. Do you:

  • Take another shot at Sir Miltonkeynes? (Go to 24)
  • Start another attack run on Sir Miltonkeynes? (Go to 24)
  • Engage in battle again with Sir Miltonkeynes? (Go to 24)
  • Take on the might of Sir Miltonkeynes once again? (Go to 24)
  • Open a small ironmongers in the nearest village? (Go to 24)

62.

A foolhardy choice. The South side of the tower is renowned for sending all who try to climb it mad.

You begin your climb.

63.

Oh no, it's Tom Bombadil! Do you:

64.

You find a small cave under the mountains, and set about starting your simple life. This does mean that you have to rip out the plumbing, electricity and fitted kitchen left by the previous cave-dweller, but it all contributes to your sense of peace with the world.

65.

You continue the very very very very slow climb up the wall. Four passing elephants, three passing vultures, a couple of passing blackbirds and a passing sparrow eye you suspiciously.

66.

'That is an incorrect answer,' says the guard. 'The correct answer is N/A, because we use ultra-long life halogen bulbs. Without such basic knowledge you cannot possibly be an expendable guard. I will have to escort you to the cells.'

67.

After several flights of stairs you reach the Grand Baronial Conference Suite, where you are relieved to be greeted by a familiar face among all the little men in robot suits. It is your old friend General Flugelhorn, the commander of the fort. Do you:

  • Ask him why there is nobody outside? (Go to 10)
  • Invite yourself to a feast in your honour? (Go to 54)
  • Demand to know why he isn't wearing a robot suit? (Go to 35)

68.

Correct.

69.

You manage to convince the dog to give you the keys by promising to make it the heir to your kingdom. After you get out the dog beckons you to follow it, and you both sneak past the guard and through a door marked 'No Entry (With the Exception of Dogs)'. The dog assures you that you are allowed to come along as a guest.

You rapidly descend 203 storeys in a very small lift, and the doors open to reveal a secret underground dog citadel, from where the dogs of the fort are plotting to overthrow the brutal Flugelhorn regime. They explain that all the people who lived in the fort have fled for their lives, and Flugelhorn is now working for Sir Miltonkeynes, and you have been declared a fugitive, and all sorts of other useful nuggets of exposition.

The commander of the dogs, Major Woofles, proudly shows you a teleportation device they had been working on just in case they ever needed to move a fugitive out of the fort without being spotted by the patrols. You immediately recognise that this could be used to move yourself out of the fort without being spotted by the patrols, and volunteer to test it.

Much to the delight of the dogs, the teleportation device works. Unfortunately, something is wrong with their coordinate system and you end up right back in your cell.

70.

Well, you asked for it. The sheer tedium of Miltonkeynes's monologue kills you as predicted. Your adventure is over.

71.

Mirth has outdone himself. Not only does the tunnel lead out into a clearing well away from the fort, but he has also hidden a vast cache of weaponry in the undergrowth.

Your glee is cut short by a squadron of flying livestock bearing down on you from the south. You can't actually see who's piloting them, but every instinct you trust tells you that it's Sir Miltonkeynes. Do you:

  • Jump into your X-wing and prepare to engage the evil knight in combat? (Go to 12)
  • Realise it's a while since you last took your medication? (Go to 51)

72.

The Severed Head of the Enemy appears to be boarded up, but you try knocking on the door anyway. A slot opens at eye level and someone peers out.

'What do you want?' he asks.

  • 'I want a flagon of your finest ale, barkeep.' (Go to 44)
  • 'I want to know why there's nobody about today.' (Go to 56)

73.

That roadrunner is passing under the ravine. Do you:

  • Ignite the rocket boots? (Go to 53)
  • Dislodge the counterweight boulder? (Go to 77)

74.

'Ve had a tip-of zat yu vud be her,' says Flugelhorn, a little menacingly in your opinion.

You invite him to sit down for a drink, but he is quite insistent that you should be locked up in the cells immediately. It all seems very unsporting.

75.

Don't give up, you're three-quarters of the way there now. Do you:

76.

You continue the very very very slow climb up the wall. Three passing vultures, a couple of passing blackbirds and a passing sparrow eye you suspiciously.

77.

The train hurtles through the Siberian forest. You are now only 60 miles away from the top secret missile base.

You finish the crossword in the newspaper, and decide to look up. You are pleasantly surprised that the ten years in a Belgian prison camp have not diminished your looking up abilities.

As you look up, your InfraVision warns you that another train is coming straight towards you and will hit in less than 30 seconds. Do you:

78.

The bandits trap you inside a derelict barn somewhere south of Chimbobamba. Your trained eagles flew you out of danger last time, but they won't save you now (they've been shot by the bandits).

The only items available to you are a gun, a salt tablet, a couple of bemused cows and a signed copy of Fleetwood Mac's popular 1977 album Rumours. Do you:

  • Go out with all guns blazing? (Go to 63)
  • Carefully speculate about your options before going out with all guns blazing? (Go to 42)

79.

Congratulations! You have won back your kingdom and restored peace and tranquillity throughout the land. It's time to put your feet up and have a nice cup of tea.

Suddenly, Sir Landrover, the second most evil knight in the world, jumps out from behind a cardboard antelope.

THE END

80.

You continue the very very very very very very very slow climb up the wall. The vultures decide to eat the sparrow.

81.

Incorrect.

82.

'I zank yu for yur konsern,' says General Flugelhorn. 'Under ze sirkumstanses, I zink zat yu shud be hiden in ze sels for yur own safti.'

Before you can protest, two robots grab you and escort you downstairs.

83.

He tells you that it's Do Not Under Any Circumstances Reveal Whether You Are Dressed Like a Robot Day. It's all in aid of a charity that cares for trees that have been bullied for looking too much like liquorice allsorts. He would ask you to pledge him a donation, but he'd rather to kill you honourably on the battlefield.

84.

You are in a maze of twisty corridors, all alike. Do you:

85.

You head back to your helicopter and leave for the wilderness of Greenland, where you are killed by global warming or something. Your adventure is over.

86.

You give traffic plenty of time to see you and to stop before you start to cross. If necessary you put one foot on the crossing until you step on to the Zebra crossing; the traffic does not have to stop. Do you:

  • Cross until the traffic has stopped? (Go to 11)
  • Push a wheelchair or pram on to the crossing until the traffic has stopped? (Go to 63)

87.

You continue up the wall, which seems a lot taller now than it did at the bottom.

88.

You begin to wish that something normal would happen for once. Do you:

89.

He tells you that it's Dress Like a Robot Day at the fort. It's all in aid of a charity that helps turtles recover from their gambling addictions. He would like to know whether you will pledge him a donation. Apparently just two groats will buy a new shirt for a turtle of your choice. Do you:

90.

Your incredible stunt works perfectly, and the experience eventually leads to you winning the 2012 Olympic cow-diving gold. In the present day you take your rogue herbivore and shoot down the rest of the evil knight's air force with incredible precision, and then pass yourself off as Sean Connery in a celebrity golf tournament which you win by five shots, earning a £400,000 prize. You go back south to claim your empire once again and over the next few years you star in several blockbuster films of your own life story and find a cure for cancer.

But just because you were successful doesn't mean you've won! Your choice was irresponsible in the extreme!

Your adventure is over.

  • Go back and make the right decision. (Go to 12)

91.

A courageous choice. The East side of the tower is covered in spikes and slippery patches.

You begin your climb.

92.

Blah blah blah blah yada yada yada rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb. Do you:

93.

Well done! Your complete lack of courage and bravery got you straight out of that mess! Sir Miltonkeynes is left far behind you, with only your entire empire, painstakingly fought-for over the centuries, as consolation.

You repossess a helicopter from a suspiciously well-clothed peasant and fly to the far north, where your grandfather built his great fort - Fort Completely Invincible - to keep the heathens at bay. You land on the fort's helipad and make your way down to the courtyard.

94.

You continue the very very very very very very slow climb up the wall. Six passing alien motherships, five passing surface-to-air missiles, four passing elephants, three passing vultures, a couple of passing blackbirds and a passing sparrow eye you suspiciously.

95.

'I'm glad you asked,' says Sir Miltonkeynes. 'It all started 10,000 years ago, when I was an adorable little child with a tendency to accidentally save the galaxy every other Thursday-'

You notice that your ears are already beginning to bleed.

'You don't really care, do you?' says Sir Miltonkeynes. 'I don't know why I bother being evil sometimes...'

  • 'No, no, please continue.' (Go to 57)
  • 'You're right, maybe some other time.' (Go to 46)

96.

'Mi humbl apologes, ze yunicorn iz of. Vud yu car to choz agen?'

97.

You seem to be stuck in location 97. Do you:

98.

You reach the end of the corridor with most of your body intact, but there is another guard standing in the way. He is almost taken in by your own guard uniform, but his suspicions are raised by a badge you're wearing with the slogan I Will Get My Revenge on General Flugelhorn or Die in the Attempt.

'Since my suspicions have been raised,' he says, 'you must answer me the following riddle in order to pass...'

You both pause for dramatic effect.

He continues: 'How many expendable guards does it take to change a lightbulb?'

99.

'I thought there was an element of the familiar in your countenance,' he replies. 'What with the crown and everything. Hold on a second.'

He closes the slot.

A moment later, a trapdoor opens beneath you and you fall through.

100.

You continue the very slow climb up the wall. A passing sparrow eyes you suspiciously.

1497.

From this natural disaster, you realise, there is no escape. Your adventure is over. Ha ha ha!

357128.

'I apologiz but yu kanot lev,' says General Flugelhorn. 'Yu vil be my honored gest at Fort Doom.'

The request does not appear to be negotiable.

INV.

You are carrying: a brass lantern, a large iron key, a red crystal, the holy grail, a dulcimer, a menhir, a rodent eye-patch, a mug of grog, a swamp dragon, the world's largest ball of twine, a scythe, a ticket, an orange, an ocean, a loyalty shelf, a copy of Historical Curtains magazine, a fake peasant ID, a handy squeaky toy, and a crown.

You have scored 214 out of 11,273 (2%).