Blogging: A Cautionary Tale

by Neil Shostakovich

Sunday, 3 April

A new chapter

filed under "Eagles on pogo sticks" at 10:12am

This morning I say goodbye to the people of Switchback. I'm getting on my bike and heading out on to the road in search of new memes. I'll let you know what I find.

Peace and freedom.

Neil

Friday, 1 April

Revenge is salty

filed under "Next stop, San Seriffe" at 9:58pm

Today I reconciled my differences with the forces of authority and settled back down to my menial but existentially-satisfying job.

April fool! What I actually did was blow up the candyfloss stall. I never realised that candyfloss burned so well. It's a bit of a fire hazard, actually.

Strike one for the Shostokovistas.

Tuesday, 15 March

Hiding in the hills

filed under "The noble cybersavage" at 4:20pm

Isn't modern technology wonderful? Here I am, living on grubs in a dank cave, and yet I can post to my blog with little more than a twig and a laptop. Don't ask me how it's done. A friendly gannet showed me.

I am busy planning my next move. Of course, I cannot reveal what that is just yet, but if you are interested please come and join my ever-growing band of followers. Food is also very welcome. An apple pie would be nice.

Tuesday, 22 February

Outwitting the fuzz

filed under "Out of breath" at 2:36pm

I've only been involved in a dawn raid once before, and that was very much on the side of the police. I was on work experience, and I was in charge of getting the bagels in.

I say dawn, but on this occasion they actually arrived at 10:27. That's the modern world for you. According to my contacts, they wanted to ask me questions about how the candyfloss at the fair had supposedly been sabotaged with shards of glass. I've been framed, of course. Fortunately I was already up, dressed, and considering the table formatting of Appendix D of my memoirs, so it was a simple task to dive out the window to freedom.

I write this from a safe house. Future communications may be sporadic, but I will try to keep you informed. If I should 'disappear', please tell the blogosphere. They'll know what to do.

Monday, 21 February

Farewell, justice

filed under "The madness of our times" at 1:22pm

Well, it turns out that someone does read this blog after all. I've been sacked.

I only have myself to blame, of course. I should never have joined a sunset industry.

My attempt to interact with the world is over. I now withdraw to my garret, where I will write my explosive memoirs.

Wednesday, 16 February

Work sucks

filed under "Things that suck" at 7:03pm

I'd like to put up a picture of my boss, but I can't figure out how to do it. Can anyone out there help?

It's a pity, because I spent ages photoshopping in a pitchfork and evil red eyes using Adobe® Photoshop® software.

I came up with an idea today that could have revolutionised the whole candyfloss industry. My boss thought otherwise, because he can't see past the end of his stupid fat nose. So instead I will put it up here for the whole world to see, and I hope all you rival candyfloss merchants put on extravagant displays of wealth when you have finished with it.

Consider our common nemesis, the popcorn vendor. Every time you enter the cinema, you see a gaggle of presumably insane people who prefer salty popcorn over sweet. Yet despite being mentally unsound, they appear to have a disposal income of sorts. And is it not our aim to rid them of this encumbrance?

So today I decided to offer the lunatic element a chance to buy salty candyfloss. Demand was unstoked to begin with, but I believe with the right marketing campaign and introductory pricing we could create something extraordinary. Of course, all my boss cares about is 'complaints' from 'parents'. May his knees be injured by badgers and his glasses squashed by an item of kitchen equipment.

Friday, 7 January

Things and stuff

filed under "Observations" at 6:40pm

I'm as much in favour of recycling as the next decadent member of the consumer society, but do the dukes of recyclement really believe it necessary to leave shards of little glass all over the drive?

No matter. I have stricken back by starting a glass shards collection. Take that, O hostile world!

Thursday, 6 January

Welcome to my blog!

filed under "Germs of a new world order" at 8:15pm

So here I am, with a metaphorical blank sheet of paper. The world awaits the florid strokes of my metaphorical pen. I am pregnant with metaphor. But what to write?

I suppose I should introduce myself. My name is Neil Shostakovich. At least, that is my nom de blog. My real name isn't Shostakovich. In choosing my NDB, I don't pretend to aspire to that great man's genius, but like him I wear the shackles of an artist working under an oppressive regime. For him, it was the communists. For me, it is my parents.

I'm getting out of here soon though. I blame the current socio-economic conditions. I am forced to work in a candyfloss stall to keep starvation at bay. As junior candyfloss technician, I am entitled to whatever is left at the end of the day. Let my teeth cry out against the capitalist hegemony!

I am a bona fide Neil, in case you're wondering.