To Boldly Go Where No Fair Has Gone Before
This is the first report of the Switchback Fair Special Events Committee (SFSEC) since Baron Switchback descended from the castle to outline his ambitious new outreach plans:
"I believe we should commit ourselves to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of establishing a fair on Mars. No parish event in this period will be more impressive to mankind, and none will be so difficult or expensive to organise. To this end we will be holding a fund-raising raffle on the stage at 4 PM. Inside if raining."
We hope that the construction of Switchbase One, as the new fair has been dubbed, will provide a shining beacon of hope for humanity, and inspire our children to dream of eating candyfloss on interstellar playing fields. Furthermore, it will really stick it to those losers at Barnaby Fair.
Artist's impression of Switchbase One
The task that SFSEC has been given is to realise Baron Switchback's vision. We acknowledge from the outset that this will be a major undertaking. It should not be entered into lightly. However, we are saddened to find that certain sections of the media have branded our project "ludicrous" and "baffling", not to mention "a monstrous boondoggle". We do not believe that it is "a shameful waste of parish resources". Neither is it "unprecedented even in the relentlessly barmy world of local politics", and the Baron is certainly not "two peerages short of a manor". As we shall detail below, our plan is cautious and well-costed. Is that the mark of "a tinpot NASA"?
Recommendations
The demands placed upon us by this mission will be severe, and we will not succeed unless we focus all our energies towards it. Sadly this means that some sacrifices will have to be made. We propose to re-allocate funding immediately from the following non-essential areas:
- Cleaning out the pond
- Implementing the traffic calming scheme
- Replacing the flagpole that's had an Icelandic flag stuck to it at full mast for the last three decades
This will give us a sound financial basis to proceed. However, we will still be working under budgetary constraints so tight that even a simple million-kilogram solid booster rocket will seem like an impossible luxury. To offset this we intend to use already-existing components in all our designs. The fair itself will be a major source of material, as will the local scrapyard, which has kindly given us permission to take whatever we can salvage.
The technical team will be led by Mr Steven "Stevezilla" Lock, who is currently studying for a PhD in Structural Engineering at the University of Oxbridge. Steven has already begun work on designs for the propulsion system. It will be a two-stage design based on the 'human cannonball' principle that has proved so successful in the big top. His team intend to modify the castle's antique cannons to accept a liquid-hydrogen/liquid-oxygen fuel source in lieu of gunpowder. Steven assures us that he can borrow the fuel from his department so long as he's quiet about it.
Designing the propulsion system
The aim of the first experimental mission will be to land a goldfish on Mars. If it returns safely, the team will construct an array of cannons that should prove capable of putting a medium-sized tent on the planet's surface. In due course, a tombola, splat-the-rat, bouncy castle and everything else required for a self-sufficient fair will follow.
Of course, the operation cannot be solely concerned with the mechanics of interplanetary travel. It is vital that we encourage as much involvement from the general public as possible, and not just because we cannot afford to pay anyone to work full-time. A variety of awareness campaigns will be launched over the coming months, most involving the handing out of free Mars bars, which always gets a crowd on your side. We have also formed strong links with the local Switchback schools, who held a very successful 'Mars Day' last week. If nothing else, we now have lots of willing astronauts! Let's hope they don't learn how staggeringly dangerous the mission is before they climb in the capsule.
The 'Mars Day' display - view pictures (popup)
Conclusion
We hope that this report has helped to answer some of the questions that have been raised since the Baron made his heroic promise. For those still in doubt, we ask you only to keep an open mind, or at least one capable of going 'oooooh' whenever a rocket is launched. Remember, it is not the first time in history that ambitious projects have been subjected to ill-informed carping from the sidelines. The response was exactly the same when:
- Columbus argued that new trade routes could be found heading west
- Edison made the first audio recording
- The Wright brothers developed heavier-than-air flight
- We ran for Best Kept Fair 1982
But who's got the last laugh now?